Loss for Words

It's strange. I am at a loss for words, but at the same time have so many things on my mind. I'm not going to write about Ashmount just yet.. I can't but I need to talk of those I've lost for good.


Several heroes died this last weekend, and while I have no time to mourn I don't want to disrespect them either by not recognising the sacrifices they made. I didn't get along with all of those who lost their lives but that didn't mean that I wanted to see them dead.. for whatever reason they all chose to be heroes and I respected that decision.


Paladin, the first death I heard of this weekend, the apprentice that I failed. I only knew him a short while but he got on bended knee before me and begged that I take him on as my apprentice. It was strange, especially as I will teach anyone, I wasn't used to something so grand. I especially wasn't used to being a 'master' but he wanted a term of respect he could use for me. In the end we compromised on 'Sensei'.


He wanted to be a protector, to bring light and healing, to be a shield for those who needed it. He showed so much potential and I loved getting to know him.. and then the events in the Middleverse broke his heart. All he saw was upset and rage and I couldn't talk him down. I gave him time to grieve, but perhaps I gave him too much. I should have helped him more. He was a light ignited by rage and anguish and he burned out far too soon and I will miss him.


Rainmaker. This is, needless to say, a complicated one. How could I like Rainmaker? He killed my friend and mentor, her organs were nothing but shadow and getting her back was a harrowing experience. But I didn't want him to die. He had a dark past and clearly thought in ways that make me ill to think about.. but was a product of his past and need help. A lot of help. He should have been in prison, he should have been getting counselling, that he had the position he did within Omega just let him walk further down a dark path. He did awful things but he didn't deserve the end he got.


Shade. Where to start? This is another complicated one. in Venezula he was one of the only healers the Alpha GRU had and he almost killed himself keeping us all alive.. I ran through bulletfire and engineered monstrosities to get to him and heal him. He letter told me that he felt like he owed me his life, but I'd have done the same for anyone and he'd done so much for Alpha that weekend.


Then came the incident with Justice.. I walked beside Fist Girl as she held Hope's body. it felt like things couldn't get any worse when I saw Shade handing himself in to WASP, a dead body on the ground behind him. I couldn't process it at the time, I could barely see for the tears and nothing made sense. In the days that followed I came to respect him for handing himself in, he acted out of distress and grief and did the wrong thing but he stepped up and owned it and went to pay his price.


But then this last weekend he was freed, he died away from the prison he should have been in, where he should have been rehabilitating.. where he paid his debt and learned to control his emotions. It shouldn't have happened. He died a hero facing the broodmother in Canada.. but I can't help but feel that's not how his story should have ended.

Zolitaire, leader of my supergroup and someone I was starting to see as a friend. I really didn't trust her when we first met, when she wrestled the attention of an Astral away from three other mages and all in the name of gaining personal power. I spent a lot of my time in Venezuela wary of her.. but then we had to work together to save Lumina.


It's hard not to form a bond with someone when you go through something like that together and from that point onwards we worked well together. She was one of the few heroes I shared some of the details of my past with. We bonded over the struggles we had when we were younger and how similar, yet different, our familiars were.


My time with Zolitaire is like a TV show that got cancelled, one that seemed shaky at first only to get pretty good before being taken away. There was so much potential for the two of us working together that I will never see come to light.


Rael. I got an automated message from Rael today. He explained a lot about himself. A lot of it I already knew but had been waiting for him to open up to me.


I regret waiting.. but he'd kept me at arms distance and I think he felt he was doing that for my protection and I respected that.. and I'm not the sort to push myself into someone's life. I was just there for him when I felt I could be and after events in Switzerland I promised myself I'd get to know him better.


He leant me a device he'd made for that mission to save Hope. Something he was justifiably proud of and he entrusted it into my care. That simple act meant a lot to me and felt like the start of a bond I wished to explore.. I should have been more honest with him, but I didn't want to rush. It felt like we had all the time in the world to discuss our pasts and the nature of magic.


I've learned now how important it is to not let moments pass you by.


Poet. It is my final respect to him that I call him by the name I never called him by in life. He was always Invictus to me. I worried over his joining Alpha, that he perhaps had crimes he had yet to atone for, things he needed to work through that he was trying to leave behind. I didn't like the way the two factions acted around each other when discussing him when we should have been helping people..


Despite my issues he clearly wanted to help and nobody could deny that he did his best to enjoy his life. I often saw him laughing and joking.


He clearly wanted to be free and to lead.. he had potential despite my reservations and his life was cut short doing what heroes do, fighting to protect the innocent.


Banshee. I am so sorry I never got a chance to speak properly with her in person. The few twitter conversations we had were lovely. She was caring and we spoke to each other on ways to help others and her tweets often made me smile. She is another missed opportunity, another regret. It always feels as though there will be more time.. but time passes all too quickly. She will be missed, sorely and my heart is with Cerberus, wherever they are.


Wildfire. This one.. this one I may need to come back to. I loved and respected Wildfire, she was as impulsive and passionate as the fires she wielded and an amazing leader. She made me smile and I would follow her orders.. which says a lot, I do not follow blindly nor easily. I'm still yet to fully process that she's gone. It still feels like I'll see her at the next GRU mission making snarky quips about Omega or giving that shrug of hers at whatever the mages are up to..


..I'll come back to this..


Tarhal Silverarm. We did not see eye to eye, we are opposites in so many ways. He was a creature of war and I'm all about trying to heal and protect. he fought for what he believed in though. He was young and reckless and wanted to do his best to be respected by his people and by the heroes around him. While we didn't agree there were times I could respect him, especially when I saw the friends he made and how his attitude shifted over time.. I would have liked to have seen what he could have become.
Duty. He asked for my help and I couldn't be there.. we bonded over a shared grief, the loss of Hope who meant so much to us both. We planned to spend more time together when we had the chance.. and now it will never come to pass. Duty was a hero who fought through dark times and cared so much for his family. I only wish I could have gotten to spend more time with him. 


You are all gone now, but you are one with the Astral and you will be with me in every spell I cast.